so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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