Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
