and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
