How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
