I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
