I heard we made out
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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