weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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