Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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