I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Randomize
