Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
