Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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