You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
