That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
