Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
