so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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