just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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