By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
