Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
