Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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