I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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