With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
