Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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