so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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