Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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