Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
