I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
