just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
