3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
