For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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