the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
