you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
