you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
