anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
