This is not my ceiling
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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