During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
