I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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