Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
