Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
