I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
