I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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