he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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