Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
