There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
