Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
