moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
