apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
