i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
