So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
