Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
