Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Damn victory sex feels great
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
