threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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